The Science Of Single: It Just Doesn’t Add Up

So… Its been a while… I’ve honestly been at a bit of a loss of what else could be said regarding the whole tragic car crash that is single life.

The joy of living in a digital age is that we have the world in our pocket within the confines of our phones. The juxtaposition of being far more connected with others in an instant yet so disconnected with reality is somewhat unsettling for me. The act of selecting a future partner has evolved into some strange game of bingo where a swipe to the right could equate to a partner for life… or more likely an awkward scramble of things to talk about.

Regardless of the ‘advancements’ in technology it still seems that we are not far removed from the scenes of a wildlife documentary.

The rudimentary principles of courtship are somewhat similar In the physical plane of existence, like a nightclub for example. We begin with men vying for attention whilst women scan the environment for the ‘alpha’ male. Once eye contact is engaged, he puffs out his chest and proceeds in the mating dance, if successful she will dance with him showing her interest by rubbing her posterior against his groin ( and throwing in the odd “slut drop” here and there). Upon completion of this majestic ritual, the male squires her to the nearest watering hole (the bar) where they lap at the sweet taste of success. the rest shall we say is where nature takes it course.

 

I would love to know what gives men this confidence, perhaps a fountain of beer ( or any other alcoholic beverage for that matter), but alas regardless of the quantity I consume I repeatedly fail in my endeavour to obtain this elixir of infinite confidence.

I have begun to grow tired of peoples attempts to quell my disdain for single life, in particular the phrase “Don’t fret you are still young” … yes and I grow older with each passing day. Besides its easy to make such a statement as you sit on your throne of happiness, whimsically telling the poorer of us how great it is to be single, before retiring to your chambers with your significant other.

So I sign off this rant with a final thought…

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” – Albert Einstein

 

Five terrible excuses to bail on a date

Ahhh the joys of singledom, the casual meet ups, the date filled weeks, and the genuine connections you make… sound familiar? Really? No seriously… its an illusion.

There’s nothing worse than gearing yourself up for that date you’ve been waiting all week for, slapping on the cheap aftershave, new clothes and then hearing that inevitable phone buzz. You open up Whatsapp (or messaging app of your choice) and read some terrible excuse that could only have been dreamed up in the mind of a desperate human being wanting nothing more than to avoid your company. Single life is bliss.

So take a journey with me of five genuine excuses either I or someone I know has had to deal with.

5. My Car Is In The Garage.

This one doesn’t need much explanation, your date-to-be really wanted to come and see you but their car has unfortunately broken down. But what is wrong with the car? well your guess is as good as the imaginary mechanics that is going to work on the imaginary fault. Its just such a shame, of all days for this to happen the car has somehow picked the day you were due to meet up to breakdown. Its no problem though just rearrange the date, the car wont be broken forever will it? Well now your message has gone unanswered, perhaps their phone has broken down as well…

4. I lost my phone.

Its amazing that phones just decide to not receive messages on the day of your apparent date. You then find out that they had “lost” their phone. OH NO! The phone (that they are probably messaging you from to inform you) has been lost/stolen so they hadn’t been able to respond to your message. ***Special mention*** sorry to go slightly off the topic here but linked to this is the infamous radio silence, they have been online read the message and chose to ignore…fun. So the phone is now lost luckily they had conveniently saved your number somewhere safe before losing their device …as you were that special. This enables them to let you down how else can you explain it?

3. Waiting for the repairman.

They were so excited to meet you, nothing is going to get in the way of your big date, except maybe a random appliance breakdown. I have to hand it to these people whoever can get a repairman out the same day at 8pm in the evening to fix a toaster or a fridge displays incredible resourcefulness. its just a shame they are the only person who is available to wait for the repair guy. This has nothing to do with the fact they would rather stare at the rotund hairy rear end of a 19 stone repairman as he replaces the fuse in the plug than go on a date with you.

2.The Florence Nightingale

So someone they know or have just passed in the street has severely injured themselves and being the caring giving person they are, they have had to stay with them and nurse them back to health. This of course means they are going to have to miss that date that they were so excited about. It just so happens that some old man ( or equally vulnerable character, pick one, any one, a three legged dog with one ear perhaps) has required their urgent attention, its not like they have any medical experience but they, by virtue of being them, have had to take them to A&E and apply a plaster cast with no prior experience whilst simultaneously discovering a cure to a range of incurable illnesses…how can you be mad at that?

Obviously there are variants to this story, but basically any major catastrophe that forbids them from making your 7pm table booking.

1. Mystery Illness

The ultimate in excuses. If excuses were mass produced this one right here has the majority market share.

This is by far the most overused, tired, terrible excuse to grace the world of dating. The problem with this excuse is whilst some instances may be genuine the majority just insult your intelligence. It starts the day before where the culprit plants the seed (henceforth this shall be known as step one)…

“Hey, how are you?”

“Not good I’ve been up all night with *insert various symptoms here *.. I just hope that I feel better tomorrow for our date”

A bail is imminent, you already know don’t you? They wont be well enough to see you. The thing is that this excuse is so overused I am starting to wonder if the simple act of dating makes people ill.

That brings me onto step two… the radio silence the following day.

Step three – the apologetic message the day following that about how they had been so ill they couldn’t even check their phone.

step four – you find yourself blocked on all communication based platforms.

step five – you eat a jar of mayonnaise whilst listening to Radiohead – Creep.

So there you have it. A short and by no means comprehensive list of terrible excuses to bail on a date.

What’s the worst excuse you’ve been given?